Fool

holding you in my hand

what I wouldn't give to feel that way

God I sounded desperate, but maybe I am. I cannot think or eat, I feel a twirl whenever he's near me. I hate it when he's away, and still hate it when he's around me.

Look at him, he's polite and nice and all that. I'll give anything away to make him feel happy. Eventhough it means letting him making the year of his life with another woman, what I wouldn't give to him? Nothing. I'll give everything. Even happiness.

update on vacation

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's the third day of vacation and I'm in Jogja. The plans all messed up because of slight change of the plan. So I stayed on the beach for one day and went to green canyon on the next day. I was supposed to meet my friends that day, but I got to jogja at 11.31 pm on 26th. I'm seriously sad about this, but at the same time happy cause I got to spent more time with my cousin which is awesome, I had a great time. Today I'm staying here and we're going to Semarang tomorrow, and we'll stay there. Figures. Sometimes I feel fuckingly bored like right now, I'm here with internet but instead of this I prefer going to the other hotel and stay with my cous, I think......................... :<

Je suis encore un fou

Where have you been? I've been waiting so long to hear from you, and all the things that we said we would do remains to be plans of the past. We've been too quiet for too long. Where is the hope we once had? It's too late to be saved by your charm, we'll never get this right. Your words are cold, and the season is too, the comfort in your voice is gone. So is it worth this time? Am I done in your mind? Will I regret once you're gone? Why did I ever think that we would be good? Well alright, I'm sorry I even tried. I was a fool to have hope in you.

so I hope fun is the right word

Hello vacation, welcome and take your seat. I hope you'll enjoy what you'll hear and try not to puke. So I'm going to 4 places on 5-6 days isn't that just wonderful? Yea, you surely would wish so. There are two places that I'm looking forward to. Green Canyon which is very wonderful, I visited it about a year ago and I'm looking forward coming back there, I'm just hoping that the tide isn't high. The second place is Jogja, I wanna meet my friends there, I wanna meet lots of my friends which is fairly impossible so I'm just gonna meet a few which is hard to choose from. Well, about 3 peps for sure and I just don't know about the others. And I only get 2 days with you-don't-wanna-know-who, seriously. So whether it will be fun or not will depends on what happen there

Le seul à blâmer

I was such a jerk by showing him what I shouldn't have. I never meant it to end this way, I don't wanna part. Maybe we should, he wanna said goodbye, he was trying to ditch me. Maybe its for the best, I don't even know how to think now. No single sorry? I've been meaning to tell you I'm sorry. But until now, I don't know for what. For my pm's? For my harsh words? Or for trying to be there for you eventhough you ditched me? I don't blame you and I'm not trying to hurt your feeling. I know I took part on this whole trip, I know. But I didn't mention mine as much as you did yours. I think I should stop before I accidentaly hurt you again, I don't want this to end that way. It hurts me as much as it hurts you. I wanna discuss this over again, soon as we'll meet. But I don't think that you'll want to see me again, I'm the jerk, I'm l'un à blâmer no worries.

Un froid matin.........

I woke up hearing someone telling my sister to go to school. "Damn what time is it?" I thought. I searched for my cellphone and I looked at the clock. "5.45 am? Argh can't they do this like, not now?" I woke up grumpy and even I don't like it. My sister refused to go to school, I was so cranky for being waken up harshly like that that I told her off. But it was a great thing, cause she really have to go to school. She went outside and I followed her, just in time to found out that she was trying to foolishly call our beloved father, like it'll work. She knew I won't let it, I will talk dad out of that. She went downstairs and to the bathroom she goes. I decided I couldn't sleep anymore, so I searched for the remote and I pushed the on button, tv yea always a pleasure. After a while I couldn't find anything interesting, and I gave up so I watched Ben 10 on cartoon network. "Gah I watched this episode thousands of times already" eventhough it came out like that but I still watched it cause I love Ben 10. On 6.30 am I switched to Disney channel, Lilo & Stitch, meh yeah that'll work. After sometime I was getting hungry so I throw myself a cereal, good thing we still got rice crispy instore, its just what I needed to brighten this cold shallow morning. I pour the milk and put some sugar, on the very last I overload the bowl with loads of rice crispy. I started pushing my spoon and looking at my bowl of cereal, I lost my appetite. But I pushed it down my throat and do not care what my appetite has to say. I finished it "finally, I'll puke if I have to do it all over again" I said to my self, and I headed upstairs and wish that I'll make it through the day.

(god is this somekind of sick drama? toooo mellow)

Attitude de négociation

It was 10.21 pm when a friend of mine said 'Hi' to me. I was kind of startled cause I wasn't expecting anyone to talk to me, I was bored and kinda pissed. He was nice asking about how I've been these days and I was being nice and asking him the same thing, I don't wanna be rude. It was Saturday and its nearly 1.00 am in his. He asked me what am I doing online, and told me that he was up painting till 4.00 am so he wasn't resting properly and worse, he is a heavy sleeper so 6 hours is not very long, he always makes me smile. He asked me something again, this time he asked me if I am chatting with my Indonesian friends or on 'all-Indo' social network. I don't lie to him, he's my friend, a good one indeed, so I told him the truth; about me not good at socializing with my own kind, Indonesian. Then he said something that made me feel good and bad at the same time, "ah that is because your English educated am I right in saying so? I know one thing for certain good grades or not with the polite attitude you have and good spelling you can land yourself a really good job when you leave school which requires one to speak English in a foreign country such as yours or a neighbouring one, what do you think?" he said, I was in silence for one minute of awkward moment with myself. I knew one thing for sure, he doesn't know me as good. I'm not good at socializing with them not because I'm english educated, I understand but I don't understand what he was talking about. He told me that I'm polite, I surely wish he's right. I always knew that something is wrong with me, not good at socializing? and with my own kind? I'm telling you, there's something wrong with me. He always saying good things about me, three things he always like about me are, my bang, my english and my attitude. But he knows nothing more than that, I'm not what he said I am, I wish I am..........

Une autre fuite de l'histoire ..........

I want to straighten things up but I'm afraid of getting hurt, or hurting somebody. I don't want to get hurt again. I'm so scared that I cannot handle it if I get hurt again. I get hurt way too often nowadays. But if I do, I'll now whats right and whats not, I know it will hurt me, but its better than not knowing the truth. Right? I'm not sure either. But still, I have to make sure, so I'll know that there's no shade of gray there. Maybe he thought I was living okay while he's struggling to forget me, its not true. I haven't forgotten him yet. I still loved him no matter what he do to me. For almost 2 months I endured with it I endured his selfishness and all the emotional feelings I have inside. I lost 3 kg because of it. I let him step over me so many times. Cause I believed him whenever he said he still thinks that he loves me, only that he's confused. Is this some kind of drama really? I'm so tired of all this, maybe I don't want to fall in love anymore. I don't blame him he's a good guy and I believed that there was once he actually loved me and I'm happy with just that. Its actually my fault for spoiling him, loving him more than I love myself. It's not his fault. But I blame him for saying those stuff, making me believe. But in believing is my choice and I believed him and its my fault, right? He still cannot make up his mind, he wants both. He wants all. But that cannot be right. I'm tired

Lundi, 15 Décembre 2008

It's Monday again, one of those days where I can't stop regretting being a 16 years old girl. I feel so little and helpless, school starts and business is always a good headstart. I was worried about filling in the blank scores I kept for 2 weeks or so, I don't like catching up. Especially alone. I went to school faster than usual, I texted my friend reminding her about something, but I guess she didn't brought her cell. I didn't brought any books except for economy which I was dying to finish, I'm not the brightest girl when it comes to economy. But I was ready for anything and everything went well. I know all the answers to economy test, my friend told me actully, doesn't make quite difference anyway. On history my score has already been filled, I don't even know whose score is it and the score ain't bad either 8,2 thats pretty. On geography all I gave up was 20k and bam everything was taken care of. But misery never failed to startled me, no it never. I lost my phone, I was so tired from all the thinking and the stress about grades that I didn't even care. I was half way home when I realized I lost my phone. My pey went back to the school and searched for it, hey he can't find it, great. Just great. I go online and found out that Shely has left me an offline msg on msn, but my msn went error and shut itself down. So the msg is gone. Bad yes I know it is.